I've been having such morbid thoughts lately. I hate to even voice it, but I'm kind of of the superstitious nature that if you voice something, it won't happen. Well, anyway, whenever I leave Lilli alone for even a second, I keep having these terrible visions of what could happen while I'm away, and that I'll come back to some terrible tragedy. A friend of a friend of ours' baby died at ten months in some terrible accident in his crib, and I'm not exactly sure of the circumstances, but I really want to know in order to do the exact opposite. Can you imagine??? Well, I can, unfortunately. So everytime I leave her in her crib I wonder, maybe they left their baby with a block in the crib too, and he fell back on it and hit his head. . .or on and on and on. And everytime I come back and she smiles up at me I breathe a sigh of relief.

I think having children makes you emotionally vulnerable in a way nothing else ever can. They bring so much joy into your life (cliche I know), but they also have the potential to bring so much pain into it. I mean, it is inconceivable to me now to live my life without Lillian in it. I mean, before Lilli, I probably could have at least survived any horrible thing that happened to me or someone I loved. But if something happened to Lilli? I really don't know what would happen. . .She's my Achilles heel. Anyway, sorry for the silly overdramatic musings. I'm sure every parent thinks these things at some point, and some poor souls actually have to endure the reality. Ugh. . .I will try to move on to happier thoughts. . .