I don't know if I can watch Oprah anymore. I'm not talking about the boring celebrity episodes where celebrities boringly talk about their movies and Oprah rarely pushes them to spill any real dirt. I'm talking about the episodes like "abused wives" and "sexually molested children" and "abanoned and abused children." I like that she raises awareness of social issues and these episodes are generally very powerful, but goshdangit, I'm TIRED of pretending that I'm not sobbing my eyes out everytime Bob walks in the room. You KNOW he would make fun of me forever. And these episodes also depress me for days. You know, I like the idea of being a socially conscientious person and helping causes I believe in and yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, I feel I haven't done as much as I would like in the arena of social activism because I think I would be depressed all the time. Everytime I hear some statistic about the amazon rainforest because deforested at the rate of some millions of acres a second, I am plunged into emotional darkness. The only thing that really works is to ignore the problem exists. Perhaps not most helpful for the Amazon, but how else can you emotionally detach? ANYWAY, off subject a bit, but my point is that as much as I want to know about these things, part of me would just prefer to live in ignorant bliss.

But last night, I just HAD to watch Oprah by myself before going to bed, and it was a delightfully cheery episode on children who have become poster children for particular causes. A lot of heavy stuff but mostly happy endings. Until they did a segment on Chinese girl babies and the treatment they receive in government run orphanages. Now, of course, I was particularly affected because I happen to be a mother to a girl baby and I can't imagine my own baby being in similar circumstances. But there was one part about these places called "dying rooms" and ugh, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Supposedly the government has reformed a bit, but ten years ago there were prevalent rumors of rooms where unwanted girl babies were left to die, basically of neglect. A team of filmmakers snuck into the country and found one of these foul places on their last stop, and there was a little girl who had been left there ten days ago. She was totally emaciated and moaning there and it was just HEARTBREAKING. This poor thing had been totally abandoned, and wouldn't it be so so so so so so awful to die knowing that no one cared about you or loved you? I kept imagining Lilli in that position and ugh, it made me want to throw up. I can't let Lilli cry for a couple of minutes much less even let her think that I've abandoned her. And actually abandoning her? Unthinkable! Letting her die alone knowing I've abandoned her in pain and suffering? How could anybody do such a thing?

There have been a rash of things like that lately around here, it seems. Like that woman who cut off the arms of her 11 month old, or that lady who let her two babies starve to death as she lay drunkenly passed out in her bed, or that guy who just killed his two girls and then committed suicide. Who are these people? I can't imagine letting anyone else hurt my sweet little baby, much less doing it myself. It is so horrifying.

Anyway, so there I was at 2am, lying next to my snoring little girl with a stuffy nose, just thinking how lucky I was and how much I loved her, and all the sad little babies out there who aren't so lucky. What a depressing world.