On Empathy and Respect
I have recently had a somewhat *interesting* discussion in the comments section of a post a few posts back (if you want to read it, go to the only post with any comments :)). This discussion has made me think about the propensity of some parents, and it seems to me mostly mothers, to judge other mothers. Go to any parenting message board and among the helpful advice judgements are rampant. You are doing that WRONG. You are totally going to SCREW UP YOUR CHILD. You SUCK. Why did anyone let you REPRODUCE? Ok, maybe not that harsh, but occasionally, pretty darn harsh.
So I've been thinking: Everyone (well, most everyone) wants to feel like they've done right by their child. We love our children, and we feel that their futures are at stake. This desire to make the right choices for our children is commendable. However, we sometimes overanalyze every parenting choice that we make, and imagine that consequences of every itty bitty little decision. We want to be perfect parents. We want our children to be Ivy League college bound rather than junkies. And we feel like we have the power over that outcome.
See how much is at stake? We feel we have so much at stake, in fact, that we have to whole heartedly embrace the choices we make or daily suffer agonizing self analytic decision paralysis. We have to feel good about our parenting in order to be good parents. Great, great and more great. What is so human in all of us, however, is often the need to see our style as right in exclusion to other parenting styles. How can we BOTH be right? If I am right, well then, you are WRONG! And I have to be right, or hell, I just totally screwed my child up! We also like to shore up our total insecurity in our parenting (after all, what if I AM screwing my child up?) by feeling superior to other parents. Wow, we think, at least I'm doing a better job than YOU.
We all do this, even if some of us realize how flawed this neurotic self doubt can be. I know I have my own strong opinions on parenting, and they generally tend to favor the way I've done things. After all, why would I have done things the way I have if I didn't believe in them? I believe in breastfeeding, I believe in cosleeping, I believe in not letting children cry it out by themselves. I believe that all these things are right for us. I try NOT to let these strong beliefs influence how I feel about the choices other parents have made for their own families. After all, I have to respect and trust the judgment of others when it comes to their own lives. And I would NEVER presume to tell them that I felt that I was right and they were wrong when it came to their own choices.
Why do we feel the need to tear each other down? Why can't we be supportive of each other, even when we sometimes make mistakes? After all, we all do make them. I write about the mistakes that we make because I don't want anyone to think that mistakes aren't made in the parenting process. Maybe some other new parent will feel a sense of relief knowing that no one can be perfect and that it's ok to make mistakes and find your own way. This is for many people a joyful but difficult time, and rather than seeing ourselves as competing with each for the title of best parent, why can't we support each other in being the best parents that we can be?
I welcome all your opinions and would love to have engaging debate on any parenting topics. Just with the understanding that empathy and respect is expected from all.
So I've been thinking: Everyone (well, most everyone) wants to feel like they've done right by their child. We love our children, and we feel that their futures are at stake. This desire to make the right choices for our children is commendable. However, we sometimes overanalyze every parenting choice that we make, and imagine that consequences of every itty bitty little decision. We want to be perfect parents. We want our children to be Ivy League college bound rather than junkies. And we feel like we have the power over that outcome.
See how much is at stake? We feel we have so much at stake, in fact, that we have to whole heartedly embrace the choices we make or daily suffer agonizing self analytic decision paralysis. We have to feel good about our parenting in order to be good parents. Great, great and more great. What is so human in all of us, however, is often the need to see our style as right in exclusion to other parenting styles. How can we BOTH be right? If I am right, well then, you are WRONG! And I have to be right, or hell, I just totally screwed my child up! We also like to shore up our total insecurity in our parenting (after all, what if I AM screwing my child up?) by feeling superior to other parents. Wow, we think, at least I'm doing a better job than YOU.
We all do this, even if some of us realize how flawed this neurotic self doubt can be. I know I have my own strong opinions on parenting, and they generally tend to favor the way I've done things. After all, why would I have done things the way I have if I didn't believe in them? I believe in breastfeeding, I believe in cosleeping, I believe in not letting children cry it out by themselves. I believe that all these things are right for us. I try NOT to let these strong beliefs influence how I feel about the choices other parents have made for their own families. After all, I have to respect and trust the judgment of others when it comes to their own lives. And I would NEVER presume to tell them that I felt that I was right and they were wrong when it came to their own choices.
Why do we feel the need to tear each other down? Why can't we be supportive of each other, even when we sometimes make mistakes? After all, we all do make them. I write about the mistakes that we make because I don't want anyone to think that mistakes aren't made in the parenting process. Maybe some other new parent will feel a sense of relief knowing that no one can be perfect and that it's ok to make mistakes and find your own way. This is for many people a joyful but difficult time, and rather than seeing ourselves as competing with each for the title of best parent, why can't we support each other in being the best parents that we can be?
I welcome all your opinions and would love to have engaging debate on any parenting topics. Just with the understanding that empathy and respect is expected from all.
posted by mariko at 1:31 PM
3 Comments:
Hm. You say you welcome comments but jump on the defense wagon when you get anything that you interpret to be belittling your parenting. When in fact it is just a comment from a stranger, since you are indeed writing on THE WEB for all to read and surely know the inevitable of that, who is simply noticing something and would say the same to a friend who obviously was having trouble with the whole sleeping situation. ONLY because she is putting it out there and by doing THAT must want some comment or advice. Not to say you are doing the wrong thing - just, is it working for ya?! Maybe "this would work...or "that" would work. And instead of you saying, "Ohhh, yaa. Hmm...maybe you're right. That is different" you immediately go into defense mode. Maybe insecurities?? It must be hard being your friend... walking on eggshells. Just relax!
Hm. I notice this person is still choosing to be anonymous. . .I really do need to let go these "comments from a stranger." I have considered being a site fascist and trashing the comments I don't like, but that doesn't seem to be in the spirit of an open forum. But I did mention empathy and respect, right? Anyway. . .
I don't think I'm jumping on the defense wagon. If a friend told me unequivocably that I was teaching my child a bad habit for life,well I don't think I would be that person's friend in the first place. Clearly, as parents, we all have insecurities, and I think that's pretty much what I said in this post. So a little sensitivity is in order. Like I said, I DO welcome your opinions and comments. I don't welcome the way in which you present your comments (if you are the same person who commented before). This website may be on the internet, and I do realize the inevitably of strangers reading it, but that doesn't mean I have to accept anything just because someone happens to write it. If I don't like the way you've said something, that doesn't automatically mean I'm being defensive. I've already noted in my last response to you(?) that I don't think I am being defensive of my ideas so much as incredulous that someone would have the nerve to tell me their opinions in such a way. My friends would never do such a thing. They might suggest, "hey, have you thought about trying this?" That is NOT the kind of comment that I received from you, AT ALL. I DO welcome THOSE kind of thoughts and opinions. I do maintain the right to disagree as well of course.
However, if the kind of advice you give your friends is the kind you gave me, well I'm glad I'm not your friend too.
And by the way, DIDN'T you tell me that I was doing the wrong thing? That's what "a bad habit for life, and you are letting her" means to me. Just saying.
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