To Cry or Not to Cry? Is that Really the Question?
WARNING: This is a VERY LONG and VERY OPINIONATED post. I have a lot of opinions to expel from my brain and I am determined to do it here. I do conclude with an update on Lilli, if you are so inclined to skip ahead. . .
Is it just me or does there seem to be a sudden spate of articles in the media/new
books/television shows that are telling parents not to sleep with their kids and to let their children Cry It Out (defined for purposes here as letting your child cry, at night, by herself, without a parent's comfort)?? What's WITH this? It seemed to me for a long while that things were moving in the opposite direction. . . in the direction of cosleeping, and breastfeeding, and NOT letting your child cry it out. I, for one, was happy with this trend. Now, suddenly, there seems to be somewhat of a backlash going on. Among others I've noticed, "Supernanny" says don't sleep with your child. I just read a book review on the front page of the local section of our newspaper that said not to sleep with your baby and to let her cry it out. Then this morning I noticed on the cover of USA Weekend that it proclaimed that Soledad O'Brien had an article inside on how babies should sleep. Curious, I read on to discover that this poor woman has four children under the age of 4(!!!) in ADDITION to having a full time job as a news anchor on a morning show. No wonder the poor woman is looking for sleep tips! Anyhow, poor Soledad was recommending the advice of a "expert" that was one of those people who seemed to be scolding parents whose babies didn't sleep because it was all their fault and they have no gumption. What happened to those nice people who were encouraging people to love their kids and pay attention to their needs and respect their wants as needs and that everything has its time? Who are these new people who are in such a rush to get children pidgeonholed into how we expect children to be? (Imagine crusty, self important voice: Children need to go to bed at 7p.m sharp and wake up at 7 a.m. sharp and they need to nap at this and that time and they need to BLAH BLAH BLAH. . .)
Don't get me wrong. I think these people probably have something to offer, and I am not one to pass up any bits of possibly useful information in the quest for better sleep. I am all for better sleep, for everyone. However, I am discerning consumer of information, and I am not just going to take any old advice, just because someone is offering it. Especially not advice that totally goes against every parenting philosophy to which I ascribe. Which includes crying it out. I'm not talking about letting your baby cry. I'm sure every baby is going to cry at some point. I'm talking about letting your baby cry it OUT until she is so spent she has no energy left in her body to cry anymore. It just seems totally inhumane to ME to completely ignore your poor baby while she is wailing away because obviously she feels she needs something. Hey, I know I don't like to be ignored either. I mean, if I was yelling and screaming for Bob, and I knew he could hear me, and he didn't come, well, I think I'd be pissed. I'd feel abandoned. And I'm twenty six. I'm not a helpless little baby who depends on others.
Anyway, I'm not saying that those who do decide to let their babies cry it out are wrong or evil or whatever. I'm sure that for some people, after much research, that is the decision they decide to make. And I'm sure that some poor parents are driven to desperation. But after much research on my part, that is not the path that I have chosen. Now, here is my (much) delayed point: Even though my beliefs are strong enough, and I am certainly opinionated enough, to stand up to the barrage of popular opinion, it still annoys me. I don't like being told on practically a daily basis that basically I am a bad parent who is going about this all wrong, and that the only reason I've decided to take the path that I have is because I am lazy and it is easier. Trust me. I am NOT lazy, and this is NOT EASIER. This is not the default thing for me. This is a philosophy of parenting that I have arrived upon, after checking out what everyone had to say. More "discipline" for the child does not necessarily indicate a more "disciplined" parent. Anyway, not only is this media barrage annoying to me, but it gives all these well intentioned people advice ammunition that I really do not care to hear. All of sudden, these people feel that just because they have read one stinkin' article by one supposed expert, that they KNOW the right thing to do, and they feel they should tell those that don't agree that they are WRONG. (And why does it always seem that most of those people are childless???) Hello! Just because "Supernanny" says it, it doesn't mean it has been handed down in the Gospel. Where are all those nice experts that were affirming me? I liked being affirmed! I wish one of them would stand up and tell these people THEY are wrong and see how they like it. Probably, they're too nice. They don't even let babies cry.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SO. I haven't ranted in awhile. That felt good. I don't care if anyone reads it. So now that I have been purged of my demons, I am free to document the happiness and light that is Lilli. She has been so sweet lately. A kissing and hugging MACHINE. A friend of mine commented on how charming she is, and seriously, this is not just proud exaggerating mother talking, that is a word I hear pretty often when describing her personality. She is very winning. She loves to share and is terribly friendly with strangers. She delights in feeding me her food, and when she runs out of it, I have to eat imaginary morsels. I videotaped her for about fifteen minutes this morning, just walking around, chattering to herself, making her daily exploratory rounds. She does this twinkling little laugh when something amuses her. She is SO DAMN CUTE. This, of course, is all during her waking hours.
Her sleeping hours, hmmmmmm, not so cute. Probably why I have been so obsessed with all literature on sleeping babies lately. Possibly why it seems to me that there is a sudden overabundance of said literature. Why I am so tired, and maybe why I am easily spurred to anger against those stupid article writers who aren't helping me a bit. Write something I can use, dammit!! Bob and I have been very successful in getting Lilli to go to sleep without nursing. We have instituted a new bedtime routine, one that is more consistent and which begins, rather than ends, with nursing. After that we read a few books and then sing some sonds while laying down in the dark together, and then to sleep. Usually this works really well, and even if sometime during the song singing she decides she doesn't want go along with it and tries to sit up, usually we can coax her back down and after some fussing she is resigned to her fate. She even gives us kisses. Now, all that I've read indicates that once she doesn't rely on nursing to go to sleep, she shouldn't be waking up so much at night to nurse. NOT THE CASE. Why, why, why?? Bob is still sleeping with her some of the time, but inevitably he brings her to me in the middle of the night, she finally getting pissed enough that she won't succumb to his soothing sounds. If I sleep with her, which I do when Bob has to get up early for work, she wakes up and pounds on my chest and lifts up my shirt. The other night I decided to take a stand and not give in and she wailed angrily for about five to ten minutes off and on before finally just sitting next to me and staring into space like a little Buddha. She kept nodding off but would wake up when her head jerked, so I finally made her sit against a pillow so that next time she nodded off there would be something to catch her. She fell asleep but was awake again in an hour and a half. I again denied her entrance, and she fell asleep, hopefully, with her head on my chest. I guess I just have to keep trying, but it is frustrating. I keep wondering, is she actually hungry? Am I not feeding her enough during the day? I would try to force feed the kid if I thought it would help, except that everything I've read says NOT to force children to eat when they don't want. And in all actuality, I don't want to do that either. Hrmmmm. . .
Once we manage to calm her night waking (ha! if ever!), both Bob and I would REALLY like her to sleep in her crib. Not because all those poopie people are getting to us, but because we feel the lovely time we've had with Lilli in our bed is coming to an end, and we would like to sleep with each other again. Oh my God, that would be so nice. Too bad it seems so far away. . . *sigh*
Is it just me or does there seem to be a sudden spate of articles in the media/new
books/television shows that are telling parents not to sleep with their kids and to let their children Cry It Out (defined for purposes here as letting your child cry, at night, by herself, without a parent's comfort)?? What's WITH this? It seemed to me for a long while that things were moving in the opposite direction. . . in the direction of cosleeping, and breastfeeding, and NOT letting your child cry it out. I, for one, was happy with this trend. Now, suddenly, there seems to be somewhat of a backlash going on. Among others I've noticed, "Supernanny" says don't sleep with your child. I just read a book review on the front page of the local section of our newspaper that said not to sleep with your baby and to let her cry it out. Then this morning I noticed on the cover of USA Weekend that it proclaimed that Soledad O'Brien had an article inside on how babies should sleep. Curious, I read on to discover that this poor woman has four children under the age of 4(!!!) in ADDITION to having a full time job as a news anchor on a morning show. No wonder the poor woman is looking for sleep tips! Anyhow, poor Soledad was recommending the advice of a "expert" that was one of those people who seemed to be scolding parents whose babies didn't sleep because it was all their fault and they have no gumption. What happened to those nice people who were encouraging people to love their kids and pay attention to their needs and respect their wants as needs and that everything has its time? Who are these new people who are in such a rush to get children pidgeonholed into how we expect children to be? (Imagine crusty, self important voice: Children need to go to bed at 7p.m sharp and wake up at 7 a.m. sharp and they need to nap at this and that time and they need to BLAH BLAH BLAH. . .)
Don't get me wrong. I think these people probably have something to offer, and I am not one to pass up any bits of possibly useful information in the quest for better sleep. I am all for better sleep, for everyone. However, I am discerning consumer of information, and I am not just going to take any old advice, just because someone is offering it. Especially not advice that totally goes against every parenting philosophy to which I ascribe. Which includes crying it out. I'm not talking about letting your baby cry. I'm sure every baby is going to cry at some point. I'm talking about letting your baby cry it OUT until she is so spent she has no energy left in her body to cry anymore. It just seems totally inhumane to ME to completely ignore your poor baby while she is wailing away because obviously she feels she needs something. Hey, I know I don't like to be ignored either. I mean, if I was yelling and screaming for Bob, and I knew he could hear me, and he didn't come, well, I think I'd be pissed. I'd feel abandoned. And I'm twenty six. I'm not a helpless little baby who depends on others.
Anyway, I'm not saying that those who do decide to let their babies cry it out are wrong or evil or whatever. I'm sure that for some people, after much research, that is the decision they decide to make. And I'm sure that some poor parents are driven to desperation. But after much research on my part, that is not the path that I have chosen. Now, here is my (much) delayed point: Even though my beliefs are strong enough, and I am certainly opinionated enough, to stand up to the barrage of popular opinion, it still annoys me. I don't like being told on practically a daily basis that basically I am a bad parent who is going about this all wrong, and that the only reason I've decided to take the path that I have is because I am lazy and it is easier. Trust me. I am NOT lazy, and this is NOT EASIER. This is not the default thing for me. This is a philosophy of parenting that I have arrived upon, after checking out what everyone had to say. More "discipline" for the child does not necessarily indicate a more "disciplined" parent. Anyway, not only is this media barrage annoying to me, but it gives all these well intentioned people advice ammunition that I really do not care to hear. All of sudden, these people feel that just because they have read one stinkin' article by one supposed expert, that they KNOW the right thing to do, and they feel they should tell those that don't agree that they are WRONG. (And why does it always seem that most of those people are childless???) Hello! Just because "Supernanny" says it, it doesn't mean it has been handed down in the Gospel. Where are all those nice experts that were affirming me? I liked being affirmed! I wish one of them would stand up and tell these people THEY are wrong and see how they like it. Probably, they're too nice. They don't even let babies cry.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SO. I haven't ranted in awhile. That felt good. I don't care if anyone reads it. So now that I have been purged of my demons, I am free to document the happiness and light that is Lilli. She has been so sweet lately. A kissing and hugging MACHINE. A friend of mine commented on how charming she is, and seriously, this is not just proud exaggerating mother talking, that is a word I hear pretty often when describing her personality. She is very winning. She loves to share and is terribly friendly with strangers. She delights in feeding me her food, and when she runs out of it, I have to eat imaginary morsels. I videotaped her for about fifteen minutes this morning, just walking around, chattering to herself, making her daily exploratory rounds. She does this twinkling little laugh when something amuses her. She is SO DAMN CUTE. This, of course, is all during her waking hours.
Her sleeping hours, hmmmmmm, not so cute. Probably why I have been so obsessed with all literature on sleeping babies lately. Possibly why it seems to me that there is a sudden overabundance of said literature. Why I am so tired, and maybe why I am easily spurred to anger against those stupid article writers who aren't helping me a bit. Write something I can use, dammit!! Bob and I have been very successful in getting Lilli to go to sleep without nursing. We have instituted a new bedtime routine, one that is more consistent and which begins, rather than ends, with nursing. After that we read a few books and then sing some sonds while laying down in the dark together, and then to sleep. Usually this works really well, and even if sometime during the song singing she decides she doesn't want go along with it and tries to sit up, usually we can coax her back down and after some fussing she is resigned to her fate. She even gives us kisses. Now, all that I've read indicates that once she doesn't rely on nursing to go to sleep, she shouldn't be waking up so much at night to nurse. NOT THE CASE. Why, why, why?? Bob is still sleeping with her some of the time, but inevitably he brings her to me in the middle of the night, she finally getting pissed enough that she won't succumb to his soothing sounds. If I sleep with her, which I do when Bob has to get up early for work, she wakes up and pounds on my chest and lifts up my shirt. The other night I decided to take a stand and not give in and she wailed angrily for about five to ten minutes off and on before finally just sitting next to me and staring into space like a little Buddha. She kept nodding off but would wake up when her head jerked, so I finally made her sit against a pillow so that next time she nodded off there would be something to catch her. She fell asleep but was awake again in an hour and a half. I again denied her entrance, and she fell asleep, hopefully, with her head on my chest. I guess I just have to keep trying, but it is frustrating. I keep wondering, is she actually hungry? Am I not feeding her enough during the day? I would try to force feed the kid if I thought it would help, except that everything I've read says NOT to force children to eat when they don't want. And in all actuality, I don't want to do that either. Hrmmmm. . .
Once we manage to calm her night waking (ha! if ever!), both Bob and I would REALLY like her to sleep in her crib. Not because all those poopie people are getting to us, but because we feel the lovely time we've had with Lilli in our bed is coming to an end, and we would like to sleep with each other again. Oh my God, that would be so nice. Too bad it seems so far away. . . *sigh*
posted by mariko at 1:57 PM
2 Comments:
Happened upon your site by accident. Why rant about it if you feel that your way is the right way? No one is judging you but yourself.
I agree that we are our own worst critics. However, the problem is that I don't agree that no one is judging me but me, and that goes for everyone else too. People like to judge, me included. I do feel my way is right for us. I'm not saying its right for everybody. And that's where I get bothered by other people's judgements, or more the general sense that society, through the media, is trying to tell me what to do. I don't trust society to decide what's right for me, and shame me into doing it. But I resent it nonetheless.
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