I haven't managed to post much of substance recently, probably because I've had too much of actual substance on the brain. You see, I've been watching that darn Oprah again. And I saw the episode where Ayelet Waldman talks about how wonderful the relationship with her husband is, and how she loves him more than her children. And on the show all these other stay-at-home moms get all up in her face and are PISSED OFF that she could possibly say such a thing.
Before I start *discussing* this episode (and it will probably be at length for those of you who want to stop reading now), a little background info. I can't possibly tell everything that happened on this episode, so those of you who are really interested and didn't see the episode should go to Oprah.com or go to Ayelet Waldman's website which I think is www.ayeletwaldman.com. Waldman is an author and for awhile she had a "mommy blog." She recently got a column on Salon.com. She has four children, with whom she stayed at home for awhile. I happen to have recently read a post about Waldman at citymama.com, so I was semi-familiar with who she was before I watched Oprah. OK, so Waldman is an author/member of the intelligentsia kind of person, and she wrote an essay in a book about how she and her husband have such an active sex life because the husband/wife relationship is the primary relationship in their family and that she loves him more than she loves her children. She continued to write that the majority of the women she knows in America today dread having sex with their husbands, and they seem to have replaced the "in love" relationship that they once had with their husbands with their love for their children. In other words, she argues that women are putting too much energy into their relationships with their children, and none in the relationships with their husbands, and that that needs to change for the health of our children and families.
Now, I know that a lot of the point of Waldman's original essay and her Oprah appearance are to get people talking and thinking about these issues. And I also happened to agree with a lot of what she had to say. I do think it is sad that women don't seem to value their spousal relationships anymore, and that they are putting all of themselves into their children, which not only leaves nothing for themselves or their husbands, but suffocates their children. The problem these other women on Oprah had with Waldman, however, was that she had actually used the words, "I love my husband more than I love my children." That is a very strong sentiment, and one that is not going to resonate with most of today's American women. I think that partly Waldman is worried herself that her instinct isn't to become obsessed with her children, and is partly trying to justify her own feelings.
But I think that her approach misses the mark, both in getting her message across, and the actual issue at hand. She seems to be blaming these women for misplacing their energies, when I think the actual problem is that gender roles in America today are so confusing and that many women have lost the sense of true partnership with their husbands. So many of the women on this show work SO HARD to make perfect lives for their children, and they don't feel like husbands are helping them to achieve that, or don't have the same obsessive goals. These women described demanding lives in which all their attention and energy was focused on the children, while their husbands sat back and watched TV. They want to do everything perfectly, because that is what society and they themselves expect, and yet at the same time they resent the fact that their husbands don't feel the same way. Society expects these women to accomplish the same things for their children all by themselves that women from a less complicated era accomplished, often while having to do twice as much. Then, at the end of they day, when they are exhausted from their efforts, are they going to feel any inclination for sex? Probably not. One of the things that Waldman admitted was that she has a 50/50 relationship with her husband. They share all the housework and child rearing and both have their own fulfilling careers. Of course she has a good working relationship with her husband that includes a great sex life! She has no resentment breeding silently within her. She doesn't feel like her husband is just another person that she has to take care of, which makes sex just another thing on the to-do list.
What I feel Waldman really should have been getting at was that women need to communicate their goals for their children and work with their husbands together to achieve those goals rather than taking it upon themselves to do everything and then feeling bad that their husbands don't help them. And husbands need to step up and become active participants! I still think, even in this day and age, there are a lot of men out there who feel like children are more the mother's domain. If women feel like they have to do a great job for the children, and their husbands aren't part of that picture, well, the husbands are going to get neglected.
At the same time however, there is an element of instinct to take into account. Men probably don't feel the same all encompassing desire and instinct to make children the center of their lives, whether that comes from physiology or societal programming. How are we to reconcile that fact with evolving gender roles in the home?
I don't know. I know I haven't expressed myself terribly clearly, partly because I am TIRED, partly because I've been mulling this over for too long, and partly because it is a terribly complicated subject. But it's good to get these thoughts out of my head! I could go on and on and you probably think I already have, but I'm going to stop here :)
If you want more of Waldman, read her essay on abortion at Salon.com. I found it very disturbing, even though I am pro-choice, but that is for another day. . .
